It's like walking with the wounded..

Saturday, Jan. 21, 2006 ~ 9:00 p.m.

To say I have been suffering for the last couple of days is an understatement. For those of you who don't know, I have been regularly suffering from seriously debilitating headaches since about the end of August/early September (that's about as early as I can remember them being regular, but I recall a couple over the summer). And I'm not talking about your average, run-of-the-mill headache, I'm talking about exactly identical headaches 3-4 days a week, when I am at work, on the same side of my head. The kind of headache that puts you in bed at 8pm when you get home from work and blacks you out until 8am when you go to work again. It's gone for a couple of hours and then comes back again. These are the motherfuckers of all headaches. The ones that fuck. you. up.

Can't stop the spirit when it needs you, this life is more than just a read through..

Anyhow, they have been pretty regular since September, with the exception of the week I was in London, and the week when Denis got back from Los Angeles -- I remember them being particularly bad, like every. frickin'. day. when Denis was in LA, and thinking "It's because he's gone and I'm stressed out without him!" And then thinking I was right when he came back and they went away. Up until three weeks or so ago, they were regular, regular, regular, I learned to expect them. They start as just a general bleary-eyed feeling, and then focus on the right side of my head, like a power drill clearing out my right temple, the pain radiates from there across the top of my skull on the right side, into my jaw (even my teeth hurt!), down my neck and into my shoulder. I can't move my head because it feels like my brain is loose and knocking around in there. Painkillers do nothing. I can take three extra strength Tylenol (and that's all I dare, I remember taking four once, it wasn't fun), and nothing, it STILL HURTS. It's NOT. COOL.

So three weeks pain free -- I have been extra careful to drink a lot of water and get at least 8 hours of sleep daily, trying to keep hydrated and feeling good, but I just don't feel good. I have been trying my best but feeling entirely lackadaisical, all I want to do is sleep and that's about it.. and then yesterday around noon, I developed a vague headache. This was new, it was all over, my eyes felt strained and tired. Since I started getting these motherfuckers, I haven't had a regular headache at all, just these monsters that put me out of comission. I thought to myself "Maybe they're getting smart, trying to trick me." ("they" being the headaches).

Ever wonder if it's all for you?

Nope, within forty five minutes, and three Advil later, it had developed into another one of these unwelcome, but not unusual dealies where I basically sit at my pod at work with tears in my eyes, grit my teeth and serve customers though I am bawling my eyes out because some cruel fate is holding the Powerscrew 2000 to my temple.

Why haven't I gone to a doctor, you ask? Well, that problem lies in my mother. I will be visiting a doctor tomorrow and requesting bloodwork and some advice, but for the most part, my mother tries to brush all and any ailments off on something much less significant than a real problem, for me at least. She'll take Shay to the hospital for a sore throat or something like that but when I first started complaining about these headaches, she said "Are you sure you're wearing your bite plate enough?". When I begged her to take me to a psychologist in high school, she told me I was just having "teenage problems". I love my mother to death and think the world of her, and she has her own health problems, but it's as though she is the only person who's allowed to have something medically wrong with her. :P It's like if someone else had something wrong with them, it would take the spotlight off of her.

The day you slipped away was the day I found it won't be the same..

So I came home and went to bed as I do when I have these headaches but something weird happened this time. I woke up. I never wake up in the night, no matter how bad these hurt. I woke up in the night crying because my head hurt so badly -- well, it wasn't night, but 5am. I was up for about an hour then, and finally drifted back off into a fretful, uncomfortable sleep.

Bottom line is I am marching into an outpatients reception area tomorrow and demanding to speak to a doctor who can tell me what's wrong. There is something not right with my body and I know it.

Entry Soundtrack:
Can't Stop - Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Slipped Away - Avril Lavigne